ASK ESTHER: Stable ambiguity and the rise of ghosting, icing and simmering
Rejection has always been a part of the relationship landscape. But are the new trends of ghosting, icing and simmering increasing our acceptance of ambiguous ends?
Last month, I spoke about modern love at a conference with 2,500 millennials. There, I was introduced to these new norms of intimate relationships and the corresponding vocabulary (we made you a chart, with the help of my friend Adam Devine).
Tweet This Chart
These tactics of maintaining unclear relationships and prolonging break-ups all produce what I call stable ambiguity; too afraid to be alone, but unwilling to fully engage in intimacy building — a holding pattern that affirms the undefined nature of the relationship, which has a mix of comforting consistency AND the freedom of blurred lines.
We want to have our cake and eat it too. We want to have someone available to cozy-up with when it’s snowing, but if something better comes along, we want the freedom to explore.
In this relationship culture, expectations and trust are in constant question. The state of stable ambiguity inevitably creates an atmosphere where at least one person feels lingering uncertainty, and neither person feels truly appreciated or nurtured. We do this at the expense of our emotional health, and the emotional health of others.
It’s time to bring back relationship accountability.
In situations like Edward’s, the ghostee hopes the ghosted will just “get the hint,” as opposed to having to communicate that he/she is no longer interested. However, inaction has causality. At first, Edward runs the gamut of reasons he hasn’t heard back: She must have a really busy work week. She lost her phone. She doesn’t want to seem too eager. At first, relaxed and patient, Edward tries to be understanding, but his attempts at insight soon morph into uncertainty and self-doubt.Am I bad in bed? Did I say something to offend her? Am I unlovable? In the absence of information, he will fill the gaps, and what he imagines is most likely worse than reality.
Ghosting, icing, and simmering are manifestations of the decline of empathy in our society — the promoting of one’s selfishness, without regard for the consequences of others. There is a person on the other end of our text messages (or lack thereof), and the ability to communicate virtually doesn’t give us the right to treat others poorly.
I encourage you to end relationships respectfully and conclusively, however brief they may be. Act with kindness and integrity. This allows both people to enter into his/her next relationship with more experience and a clear head, rather than filled with disappointment and insecurity.
Ideas to incorporate into a final conversation:
- Thank you for what I’ve experienced with you.
- This is what I take with me, from you.
- This is what I want you to take with you, from me.
- This is what I wish for you, hence forward.
Have you been ghosted? How did it feel? Do you wish you could redo a break-up? Leave your comments below: I would love for you to be part of this conversation.
Esther Perel is a master trainer and an acknowledged international authority on couples, culture, and sexuality. She's the author of the international bestseller Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence.
David Treadway, PhD, has been a therapist and trainer for 40 years. His latest book is Treating Couples Well: A Practical Guide to Collaborative Couple Therapy. He’s also the author of Home Before Dark and three other books.
Speaker Disclosures:
Financial: David Treadway maintains a private practice and has an employment relationship with Treadway Training Institute. He receives royalties as a published author. David Treadway receives a speaking honorarium, recording royalties, and book royalties from PESI, Inc. and Psychotherapy Networker. He has no relevant financial relationships with ineligible organizations.
Non-financial: David Treadway is a member of the American Family Therapy Association and American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy.
Esther Perel has devoted her entire professional life to helping people build thriving relationships. She believes that the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives. Since arriving as a graduate student in the United States, Perel has examined the concept from myriad angles: the nature of cultural and religious identity, the negotiation between tradition and modernity, the ebb and flow between individualism and collectivism. She observed interracial and interreligious couples; the cultural forces that affect gender roles; practices of childrearing; and ultimately, the tensions, obstacles, and anxieties that arise when our quest for love and security conflicts with our pursuit of adventure and freedom.
Today, Perel is best known as the host of the wildly popular podcast Where Should We Begin? This fascinating, inside look at Perel’s sessions with real-life couples has unlocked a deep-seated cultural interest in hashing these issues out openly in order to live better lives. However, it has also unlocked within Perel the understanding that her years of study and practice go beyond the romantic, and that the lessons she has learned can be applied to relationships of all kinds, in all environments. The same principles used to create an open, balanced relationship with one’s significant other can be applied to our co-workers, our bosses, and our world at large.
New York Times best-selling author Esther Perel is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. As a psychotherapist, Perel has helmed a therapy practice in New York City for more than 35 years. In parallel, she serves as an organizational consultant for Fortune 500 companies around the world. Fluent in nine languages, Perel’s celebrated TED talks have garnered more than 40 million views and her best-selling books have been translated into 31 languages. Perel is an executive producer and host of the award-winning podcast Where Should We Begin? Her new podcast How’s Work? focuses on workplace dynamics and can be enjoyed on Spotify or other podcast providers.
Speaker Disclosures:
Financial: Esther Perel maintains a private practice. She has employment relationships with Columbia University, Ackerman Institute for the Family, Norwegian Institute for the Expressive Arts Therapies, The Minuchin center for the Family, and 92nd Street Y. She receives royalties as a published author. Esther Perel receives a speaking honorarium and recording royalties from Psychotherapy Networker and PESI, Inc. She has no relevant financial relationships with ineligible organizations.
Non-financial: Esther Perel is a member of the American Family Therapy Academy, The Society for Sex Therapy and Research, and the American Association for Sex Educators, Counsellors and Therapists.
