Revitalizing and Maintaining Sexual Desire
The new mantra in couple sexuality is desire/pleasure/eroticism/satisfaction. Of these dimensions, desire is the most important. And what brings couples to therapy most often is the problem of inhibited sexual desire.
Most desire problems are secondary — the client had experienced desire, but now lacks desire and usually avoids any sensual or sexual touch. The most common cause for a woman is she has lost her “sexual voice” and views her partner as more interested in sex than in her. For a man, the most common cause is he has lost confidence with his erection and feels he “doesn’t want to start something he can’t finish.”
The key to rekindling desire for women, men, and couples is to learn to value intimacy, pleasure, and eroticism combined with positive, realistic sexual expectations. From years of successful clinical treatments, I’ve found simple strategies and techniques to confront and change desire problems as an intimate sexual team. Key to the dialogue are the “Five Dimensions of Touch,” a core psychosexual skill exercise to increase the awareness of each partner’s gears of connection. A majority of couples only use two gears, affection or intercourse, falling into the trap of believing that sex = intercourse.
When couples believe “sex=intercourse,” they have a power struggle over intercourse initiation and frequency. In my latest book, Sex Made Simple, I have identified 20 guidelines that break the power struggle by emphasizing that the essence of sexual desire is giving and receiving pleasure-oriented touch. The couple learn to value sensual, playful, and erotic touch for itself rather than as a demand for intercourse. This results in more touching, desire, and intercourse.
Download your copy of the 20 Guidelines for Revitalizing and Maintaining Sexual Desire here.
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This post is an excerpt from the book Sex Made Simple, Clinical Strategies for Sexual Issues in Therapy by Barry McCarthy, PhD. McCarthy is a board-certified clinical psychologist, Diplomate in sex therapy, certified marriage and family therapist, and a tenured professor of psychology at American University.
He has published 105 professional articles, 27 book chapters, and co-authored 15 trade books. Barry’s clinical expertise is in sexuality, especially issues of sexual desire, sexual function and dysfunction, relapse prevention, and prevention of sexual problems. He has presented over 350 workshops in the United States and internationally.
Barry W. McCarthy, PhD, ABPP, is a board certified clinical psychologist (ABPP), certified marital and sex therapist, and a tenured professor of psychology at American University. His clinical expertise focused on integrating sex therapy strategies and techniques into individual and couple therapy, assessment and treatment of the most common male and female sexual problems, and a special expertise in the treatment of sexual desire disorders.
Dr. McCarthy earned his BA from Loyola University and his MA and PhD from Southern Illinois University. His professional memberships include the American Psychological Association, American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, Society for Sex Therapy and Research, and Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies. He is a Diplomate in sex therapy earning this from the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists.
As a leading expert in this field, Dr. McCarthy has presented over 350 workshops around the world, and his extensive list of publications includes over 100 professional articles, 26 book chapters, and co-authorship of 14 books, including Rekindling Desire (2nd edition), Sexual Awareness (5th edition), Enduring Desire, Discovering Your Couple Sexual Style, Men’s Sexual Health, Coping with Erectile Dysfunction, Getting It Right the First Time, and Coping with Premature Ejaculation.
Speaker Disclosures:
Financial: Dr. Barry McCarthy is a published author and receives royalties. He receives a speaking honorarium, book royalties, and recording royalties from PESI, Inc. He has no relevant financial relationships with ineligible organizations.
Non-financial: Dr. Barry McCarthy has no relevant non-financial relationships.
