Sexual Honesty: You Don’t Have to Fake It
“When we first started dating, we partied and drank a lot. And when I drink, I don’t orgasm, so I got into the habit of faking it. We got married and I stopped pretending, but I never told him. And now, he can’t understand why I don’t orgasm in five minutes any more. He married this hot, young thing who was crazy for sex but essentially, I lied. I want a fulfilling sex life with my husband. How do I turn things around? Do I tell the truth?”
— Sarah, 32
It’s old news that women lie about their pleasure (or lack-thereof). When sex was primarily a woman’s marital duty, and it was all for him, she often faked orgasm to get it over with. But what are we to make of the fact that so many women in our “liberated” Western society still feel compelled to play the same game? One would think that an increased level of sexual freedom is correlated to increased honesty. Not so. Now that her orgasm is an important affirmation of his sexual prowess, women have a new reason to keep pretending. Her pleasure is proof of his masculinity and how adept he is in bed.
I see ‘faking orgasm’ as part of longstanding gender dynamics, traditional power structures, poor sexual education, and persistent myths and stereotypes about sexual performance. Chief among them, that reaching the finish line signals the deed is done. Orgasm is not just that moment of climax; it’s a full body pleasure, not just one event. Nobody is served when partners lie about their needs, preferences, and dislikes. The result is a dissatisfying sexual experience for both.
What else is wrong with this charade? Clearly, she’s not fulfilled, and lying to protect his ego maintains the status quo. He has no way of knowing that she’s isn’t fulfilled and the conversation on how to please isn’t happening. She may think her lying shields him, but in effect he remains clueless and she, frustrated as the opportunity for him to do better is squandered. Sarah and Damian are stuck in a cycle of displeasure.
If this sounds familiar, here are a few ways you can enter into a mature era of sexual connection.
Establish the Conversation
Simply state that honesty is important to you, and that your partner’s pleasure truly matters. And ask the right questions. For example:
- What do you like?
- What do you not like?
- Are there certain things that I do that you like more than others? And why?
- Are there certain things you don’t enjoy doing to me?
- Is there something we have not yet tried that you are interested in?
Shift the focus: there is a whole person, not just genitals.
Practice giving and receiving touch in less obvious parts of the body. For example, caress the neck, arms, back of the knees or curve of the spine. The clitoris is just the tip of the volcano; women have a largely unknown network of structures responsible for arousal and orgasm. All the body parts you’ll never see focused on in porn. You can also play with energetic touch, by touching me without touching me. Let your hand just hover over the other’s body. Lastly, try having the slowest sex you’ve ever had. No matter how slow you think you are, you could probably still go slower. The point being, you are not aiming for any outcome, you are simply exploring each other’s bodies. “Pleasure is the measure” says Emily Nagoski in the highly recommended book Come as You Are.
Give active feedback.
Tell him that you want to be able to take the time you need to become aroused or to climax without worrying that it’s taking too long or that he’s getting bored. Most men, once they know, and see the pleasure you experience, are more than motivated to do it again.
I can’t express to you enough how many women have told me that the “coming out” conversation about her lying is such a turning point in her relationship and in her sexual development. And if her partner is chronically defensive and responds with counter attack, i.e. what’s wrong with you, then perhaps a therapist may be helpful, or if not, it is a sign that her partner is not ready for a mature sexual intimacy. Sarah may need to seek new arms.
Have you ever had to start a tough conversation about sex with your partner? Share your thoughts on the best way to initiate those discussions in the comments.
Warmly,
Esther
Esther Perel is a master trainer and an acknowledged international authority on couples, culture, and sexuality. She's the author of the international bestseller Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence.
Too many clients are unsatisfied with the level of passion and sexual fulfillment in their relationship.
But often the path to a wonderful intimate connection is waiting to be found just under the surface—and as therapists, we have the opportunity to help couples discover it. That's why Esther Perel is glad to share with you these questions used in her practice as a resource for initiating conversations around the sometimes difficult subject of sexual intimacy.
Get Esther Perel's 125 Questions to initiate conversations about sexuality with your clients.
Esther Perel has devoted her entire professional life to helping people build thriving relationships. She believes that the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives. Since arriving as a graduate student in the United States, Perel has examined the concept from myriad angles: the nature of cultural and religious identity, the negotiation between tradition and modernity, the ebb and flow between individualism and collectivism. She observed interracial and interreligious couples; the cultural forces that affect gender roles; practices of childrearing; and ultimately, the tensions, obstacles, and anxieties that arise when our quest for love and security conflicts with our pursuit of adventure and freedom.
Today, Perel is best known as the host of the wildly popular podcast Where Should We Begin? This fascinating, inside look at Perel’s sessions with real-life couples has unlocked a deep-seated cultural interest in hashing these issues out openly in order to live better lives. However, it has also unlocked within Perel the understanding that her years of study and practice go beyond the romantic, and that the lessons she has learned can be applied to relationships of all kinds, in all environments. The same principles used to create an open, balanced relationship with one’s significant other can be applied to our co-workers, our bosses, and our world at large.
New York Times best-selling author Esther Perel is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. As a psychotherapist, Perel has helmed a therapy practice in New York City for more than 35 years. In parallel, she serves as an organizational consultant for Fortune 500 companies around the world. Fluent in nine languages, Perel’s celebrated TED talks have garnered more than 40 million views and her best-selling books have been translated into 31 languages. Perel is an executive producer and host of the award-winning podcast Where Should We Begin? Her new podcast How’s Work? focuses on workplace dynamics and can be enjoyed on Spotify or other podcast providers.
Speaker Disclosures:
Financial: Esther Perel maintains a private practice. She has employment relationships with Columbia University, Ackerman Institute for the Family, Norwegian Institute for the Expressive Arts Therapies, The Minuchin center for the Family, and 92nd Street Y. She receives royalties as a published author. Esther Perel receives a speaking honorarium and recording royalties from Psychotherapy Networker and PESI, Inc. She has no relevant financial relationships with ineligible organizations.
Non-financial: Esther Perel is a member of the American Family Therapy Academy, The Society for Sex Therapy and Research, and the American Association for Sex Educators, Counsellors and Therapists.
